A very Patari Movie

The thing about being very smart is that everybody wanna steal my  girl, everybody wants- uhh wait. Totally forgot this isn’t a Mahira featuring commercial of a cellular company. Anyways, the thing about being very smart is that everyone tries to steal your brilliant ideas. And no one is above it. Sharmeen Obaid Chinnoy is alleged to have stolen the idea of “A girl in the river” from Sir Syed Noor. The west have stolen the idea of Justice system from Islam. Patari has totally stolen the idea from… samajh toh aap gaye hongay. Lulz.

In short, everyone is just ready to jump on your idea, steal it and get credit for it. Facebook pages started from “Shaitan apko Makkah ki yeh picture share karne se rokay ga” but have now stooped to sharing tweets’ screenshots. The only thing more absurd than the comments under these screenshots is the movie “Sawaal 700 Crore Dollars ka.”

This movie is so bad, it’s so bad, it’s so so so bad, it’s so bad that… it’s really bad you guys. It has set back the advancement in Pakistan cinema by 30 years. Stealing a priceless diamond from a rich corrupted millionaire is as clichéd as a tweet about evilness of Phuppo. Whatever happened to creativity you guys? At least 70 women novel mags are published a month, you can take ANY STORY OUT OF IT and make a movie. But no, a movie like Sawaal 700 Crore Dollars ka had to be made where 700 Crore Dollars is mentioned as many times as Prince Affan mentions his expenditure and wealth.

The best thing about Pakistani Arts Industry is that, we have more songs than movies. Which means, we can make movies based on songs, instead of making movies and then writing songs for them. We can do it in reverse. Start from the bottom. Getting down is the ultimate way to a happy ending. We promise this paragraph is not stolen from Waqar Zaka’s Snapchat, Melania Trump is not an employee of Patari.

Patari has been said to “Have changed the landscape of Pakistani music with a very good-looking and intelligent and funny and inspirational team.” Granted, it’s been said by a Patari employee but we are all sure you think the same.  So since Patari is sugar, spice and everything nice (your thoughts, not ours), it can be instrumental in making a movie featuring songs that have been made already. How, you may ask? Let us tell you. (If you are reading this Sharmeen, we want total credits.)


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One of Patari’s best features is the “Recommendation Engine” that’s present on the left side of the site. A simple click and it will automatically load up the songs similar to the one you have played before. So as an example, here is a story we can make out of songs I got recommended:

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So our film, like the lives of many babies born in last 5-6 years, starts with load-shedding. Everyone gets super pissed but our life saving heroine named “Larki” starts singing:

Story cuts to our Hero “Munda” who is a new arrival in the mohalla and sees the girl while putting a kunda through the balcony. He sends his mother to her house but turns out, she is a strong, independent woman who is set to travel abroad for her studies. Munda gathers some awam and sings this song:

Larki gets convinced and gets married to Munda, but after a few days of marriage, she uncovers a shocking truth: Her husband’s alma mater was Hogwarts. So she automatically starts singing this song:

But things suddenly go south because, well, let’s face it. Job market is very slim and if you aren’t from LUMS, GIKI, NUST, IBA etc, it’s very hard to get a job and wherever he goes, they ask him to show a REAL degree. Hence this song plays:

The Larki is also tired of living hand to mouth, because let’s face it, Pakistan mein magic ka koi scope nahi hai, therefore she decides to leave Munda where this song plays:

So the Munda is now alone, jobless, with no future perspective-even though he isn’t even an Engineer- and is walking and walking on the road with no direction when he comes across loud music. When he looks up, it’s a giant ass circus with big Ferris wheel and tall people and everything! It’s the Lucky Tulsi Virani Circus. He walks in and even he starts to jam to the song and gives the solo in this song:

In the crowd is a man wearing a shirt with NFAK on it. He is tall but has some fats that he tries to pass off as muscles. He approaches Munda and gives him his card with a wink and walks away. Munda, desperate for ANY job, goes next day to the given address.
The office has only 4 people sitting there. Its 12 pm but the said card-giving-slightly-fat man isn’t in the office. A lady with scarf approaches him and asks him to give a demo. He starts with magically turning the light off of a bulb when she tells him to stop ruining the few bulbs they have and sing something. Surprised, he sings a song from his favorite singer:

Everyone from that floor gathers in the office to listen to him sing and all of a sudden, he is a celebrity there! The people then sign him on then and there and within few days, he is a renowned rockstar! The office people feature Munda on the homepage of their site, in their haftnama, on their social media platforms and start giving him royalties.
The movie ends with Munda having his own concert in Dubai. Larki tries to come back but by then Munda has found his true worth and a good dealer. He just hangs out with a cricket blogger with a slight obsession with Nadeem Jaffery and a twitter political activist who is looking for a corner plot. The End.

So, this was just an example of ways Patari can be used to generate some good movies. Of course everything told in this story is fictional, I mean who hangs out with twitter celebs and Nadeem Jaffery look alikes.
Just an idea.

 

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