Azmat V Jaswal: Fight Turning Nasty

Okay, so we are gonna go ahead and admit something that secretly, all of us like, but are too scared to admit.

WE ALL LOVE PHADDAY.

No matter what kind, what size, what people, what city even what reason, we see a phadda, and we are there enjoying every bit of it as it was the last plate of Nihari at the PM house… wait is Cyber Crime Bill a law yet or not?

Basically, this is all of us in a phadda:

Remember that Phadda in Lahore where two aunties hit each other’s cars and one of them whipped out a phone in all her Jayakant Shikray style and yelled “Oye! Yahan parlor wali gali mein mera phadda hogaya hai, larkay le k puhunch!”

Then remember that phadda between Maulana Hamdullah Khan and Marvi Sirmed where one was loud, obnoxious and shrill, and the other was a woman?

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And then there was this phadda between Orya Maqbool Jan and sanity where sanity lost like it was the Semi Final of FIFA WORLD CUP 2014 and Orya was Germany and sanity was Brazil.

Orya

All in all, we, as a nation, love phadday. So when one of the biggest names in the music industry of Pakistan was found dragging the new musicians all the way from Gawadar to Peshawar, of course, it got the whole nation like:

Ali Azmat’s leaked video caused a lot of stir on the social media. For those who haven’t seen this leaked video yet, beware. Curses, tirchi topis, makhan, nazuk surat-e-haals and sexual innuendos- these things were NOT a part of this leaked video. Yet, it was enough to incite a lot of spark on the social media. Have a look at the leaked video:

Our Junoon’s wonder boy here was heard saying “Aisay hee star koi thora ban jata hai cheekhain maar kay. O bhai ganay bananay partay hain aur phir continuously ganay bananay partay hain”. We are no experts on this, but we are pretty sure this was a dig at Coke Studio 8’s Umair Jaswal featuring song Sammi Meri Waar. But again, this is a total conjecture.

Anyhoooo. Twitter responded like this (only two tweets, we promise):

After this video and nation’s division into TeamAliAzmat and TeamUmairJaswal, Umair Jaswal decided to step up for himself and through his facebook page, give a proper reply. Proper because he said “With all due respect.” See the manners, good boy Umi <3!

Anyways, here is what Umair replied:

Mor Mahal stud gave a very feeble response, asking Ali Azmat to update himself with the latest music and “relevant hojayen.” Even twitter wasn’t too pleased with this reply (these are last 2, we swear!):

Time passed, the hype died. We thought both rockstars must’ve met over a cup of tea, talked things out, maybe went through the tweets and had a good laugh, talked about Turkey’s failed coup. Random things you know.

BUT GUESS WHO IS STILL TRYING TO HAVE THE LAST WORD?! Ali Azmat, that’s who! This time, he replied through a non-leaked, properly released video, not explaining what Hamid Mir did after he was shot, but saying:

So there you have it folks. Two musical giants are at daggers drawn and all we have drawn are some popcorn. But the question is, whom do you support? Do you think new musicians have it easy or do you think Ali Azmat is being harsh on the new talent? Share your views, cause our kitties are confused!

A very Patari Movie

The thing about being very smart is that everybody wanna steal my  girl, everybody wants- uhh wait. Totally forgot this isn’t a Mahira featuring commercial of a cellular company. Anyways, the thing about being very smart is that everyone tries to steal your brilliant ideas. And no one is above it. Sharmeen Obaid Chinnoy is alleged to have stolen the idea of “A girl in the river” from Sir Syed Noor. The west have stolen the idea of Justice system from Islam. Patari has totally stolen the idea from… samajh toh aap gaye hongay. Lulz.

In short, everyone is just ready to jump on your idea, steal it and get credit for it. Facebook pages started from “Shaitan apko Makkah ki yeh picture share karne se rokay ga” but have now stooped to sharing tweets’ screenshots. The only thing more absurd than the comments under these screenshots is the movie “Sawaal 700 Crore Dollars ka.”

This movie is so bad, it’s so bad, it’s so so so bad, it’s so bad that… it’s really bad you guys. It has set back the advancement in Pakistan cinema by 30 years. Stealing a priceless diamond from a rich corrupted millionaire is as clichéd as a tweet about evilness of Phuppo. Whatever happened to creativity you guys? At least 70 women novel mags are published a month, you can take ANY STORY OUT OF IT and make a movie. But no, a movie like Sawaal 700 Crore Dollars ka had to be made where 700 Crore Dollars is mentioned as many times as Prince Affan mentions his expenditure and wealth.

The best thing about Pakistani Arts Industry is that, we have more songs than movies. Which means, we can make movies based on songs, instead of making movies and then writing songs for them. We can do it in reverse. Start from the bottom. Getting down is the ultimate way to a happy ending. We promise this paragraph is not stolen from Waqar Zaka’s Snapchat, Melania Trump is not an employee of Patari.

Patari has been said to “Have changed the landscape of Pakistani music with a very good-looking and intelligent and funny and inspirational team.” Granted, it’s been said by a Patari employee but we are all sure you think the same.  So since Patari is sugar, spice and everything nice (your thoughts, not ours), it can be instrumental in making a movie featuring songs that have been made already. How, you may ask? Let us tell you. (If you are reading this Sharmeen, we want total credits.)


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One of Patari’s best features is the “Recommendation Engine” that’s present on the left side of the site. A simple click and it will automatically load up the songs similar to the one you have played before. So as an example, here is a story we can make out of songs I got recommended:

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So our film, like the lives of many babies born in last 5-6 years, starts with load-shedding. Everyone gets super pissed but our life saving heroine named “Larki” starts singing:

Story cuts to our Hero “Munda” who is a new arrival in the mohalla and sees the girl while putting a kunda through the balcony. He sends his mother to her house but turns out, she is a strong, independent woman who is set to travel abroad for her studies. Munda gathers some awam and sings this song:

Larki gets convinced and gets married to Munda, but after a few days of marriage, she uncovers a shocking truth: Her husband’s alma mater was Hogwarts. So she automatically starts singing this song:

But things suddenly go south because, well, let’s face it. Job market is very slim and if you aren’t from LUMS, GIKI, NUST, IBA etc, it’s very hard to get a job and wherever he goes, they ask him to show a REAL degree. Hence this song plays:

The Larki is also tired of living hand to mouth, because let’s face it, Pakistan mein magic ka koi scope nahi hai, therefore she decides to leave Munda where this song plays:

So the Munda is now alone, jobless, with no future perspective-even though he isn’t even an Engineer- and is walking and walking on the road with no direction when he comes across loud music. When he looks up, it’s a giant ass circus with big Ferris wheel and tall people and everything! It’s the Lucky Tulsi Virani Circus. He walks in and even he starts to jam to the song and gives the solo in this song:

In the crowd is a man wearing a shirt with NFAK on it. He is tall but has some fats that he tries to pass off as muscles. He approaches Munda and gives him his card with a wink and walks away. Munda, desperate for ANY job, goes next day to the given address.
The office has only 4 people sitting there. Its 12 pm but the said card-giving-slightly-fat man isn’t in the office. A lady with scarf approaches him and asks him to give a demo. He starts with magically turning the light off of a bulb when she tells him to stop ruining the few bulbs they have and sing something. Surprised, he sings a song from his favorite singer:

Everyone from that floor gathers in the office to listen to him sing and all of a sudden, he is a celebrity there! The people then sign him on then and there and within few days, he is a renowned rockstar! The office people feature Munda on the homepage of their site, in their haftnama, on their social media platforms and start giving him royalties.
The movie ends with Munda having his own concert in Dubai. Larki tries to come back but by then Munda has found his true worth and a good dealer. He just hangs out with a cricket blogger with a slight obsession with Nadeem Jaffery and a twitter political activist who is looking for a corner plot. The End.

So, this was just an example of ways Patari can be used to generate some good movies. Of course everything told in this story is fictional, I mean who hangs out with twitter celebs and Nadeem Jaffery look alikes.
Just an idea.

 

Haftanama Patari!

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Kya aap bhi hamari tarah shadeed garmi mein kharab hain? Kya aap ki bhi shakal bheegi billi jaisi ban chuki hai? Kya aap bhi AC ke sath sath bijli pe chalna shuro ho gaye hain?

Sab rona ek taraf, Misbah aur boyses ki dhamakaydaar performance ek taraf! Makes us forget all our garmi/bijli/mar gaye woes. Chalein ab 10 push ups laga ke dimagh taza karein, phir yahan dehaan dein. We have important news. Like our new homepage.

If you still haven’t heard Qurram & Komal’s Cornetto Pop Rock revamped ‘Desaan Da Raja‘ with dhinchak dhinchak beats, pls go start your push ups to it NOW. Zaalim samaj, toothy khwaab aur behtay huay mascaras ke soundtracks ki puri playlist milay go aap ko New Drama OSTs mein. Please don’t use it to blackmail your family, thanks. With that, we have a whole list of New Releases plus Zameer’s new album Her.

          Smile, wave and scroll, people.


Dastangoi – A Patari Podcast


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Dastangoi, A Patari Podcast, is a collaborative effort of the Dastangoi team (Asaad Lutfi & Iqra Jafri) and Patari. Aiming to revive the mesmerizing tradition of Urdu and Hindi storytelling, season 1 is ‘Azadi’, focused on the partition of India and Pakistan. Dastangoi is based on short stories of Manto and other Pak-India literary geniuses about 1947 and we’ll be featuring new episodes every Thursday. The first episode ‘Khol Do‘ by Manto went live last week.


Kitty Ki Khaas Peshkash

So we asked our lazy team to get off their bums and make a new playlist for you: Patari Picks. It’s basically songs we like that we’re telling you to listen to. In nicer words, ‘a selection of recent releases picked by the Patari editorial team’. They’re awesome songs, go check them out if you want to update your own playlists because we have great taste, okay?


New Playlist!

Tile 1s

Top New Drama OSTs

New Track!
Tile 2

Desaan Da Raja
Qurram & Komal Rizvi.

New Playlist!
Tile 3
Top New Releases

New Album!Tile 4

Her
Zameer.

Ishq Positive OST!
Tile 5

Tujh Bin
Ustad Hamid Ali Khan.

New Film OST!
Tile 6

Zindagi
Abdullah Siddiqui.

#Mighty90s!
Tile 7

Babia
Sajjad Ali.

Persian Folk Track!
Tile 8

Age Ya Rooz (Cover)
Ammar Rashid.

New Playlist!
Tile 9

Patari Picks 


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Until the next Haftanama –

Dhayr sara pyaar,

Team Patari. 

Haftanama Patari!

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Patari ki janib se tamaam ahl-e-watan ko belated EID MUBARAK!

Umeed hai aap sab ki Eid khushgawar guzri ho gi. Please tell us aap ne apni phuphi, mumani, chachi aur khala (and their respective other halves) se theek thaak Eidi wusool kar ke 20 kg wazan bhi barha liya ho ga.

Mazeed happy, tunn state ke liye hamara naya, naya homepage check karein zara! Qurram aur Komal ka Cornetto Pop Rock wala brilliant ‘Desaan Da Raja‘, revamped; complete with dhinchak dhinchak beat and Fringe Benefits’ first release in years – paying tribute to the late Amjad Sabri sahb aur Abdullah Siddiqui ka bombastic new track bhi hai.

Please weighing machine aur bistar torrna bus karein, get back to work and open your Patari! Acha sorry, we’re kidding. But not about the Patari part.

#EidWaliMubaraks #Tidd #EidiDeyDo


Video Haftanama

Pls give the jhappi-pappi routine to the latest episode of our video Haftanama: Haftanama, Ep. 10


Tribal Fusion – Electro Symphony Concert

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A one of a kind, never before seen electronica fusion concert featuring Ahsan Bari’s Sounds Of Kolachi and Zoe Viccaji, performing alongside the best DJs and Electronic Producers in the country, Faisal Baig and Bilal Brohi, among an astounding line up of musical artists including Omran Shafique, Faraz Anwar and Aziz Kazi.

When: 16th July, 2016 (8 p.m. to 12 a.m.)
Where: Regent Plaza, Karachi

For details, keep checking our Twitter & Facebook pages!


Save Love Offline

Okay no sorry, hum pyaar nahi de saktay download ke liye but BEST NEWS FORANDROID USERS: Save offline feature is now live!


Mighty 90s!

So we’ve decided to keep you nostalgic and sappy with one 90s track per week. Every week, one tile on our homepage will have that pyara sa gana that you remember playing on TV jab ammi se baatein sunn rahay hotay thay aap. Ya phir (mobile to duur ki baat lol) landline pe dost ko call kar ke bolna OYE JALDI TV LAGAO, WO WALA GANA PHIR SE LAG GAYA! Check it out!


Patari Exclusive!

1

Desaan Da Raja
Qurram & Komal Rizvi.

New Track!

2

Extacy
Abbas Ali Khan.

New Playlist!

3
Top New Releases

Patari Exclusive!

4

Amjad Sabri Tribute
Fringe Benefits.

#Mighty90s

5

Boohey Barian
Hadiqa Kiani.

New Track!

abdullah-sidd
Young
Abdullah Siddiqui.

New Film OST!

7

Ishq Positive OST
Wali Hamid Ali.

New Drama OST!

8

Laaj OST
Faiza Mujahid.

New Pashto OST!

9
Revenge of The Worthless
Complete OST.


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Until the next Haftanama – Dhayr sara pyar,

Team Patari.


What Exactly Did We Lose when Amjad Sabri Was Taken From Us?

Dawn:

Examining the history of qawwali in Pakistan shows us how his loss is more devastating than you think it is.

It is reductive to explain this rich intellectual debate in a few lines, and one must be careful not to ascribe present-day understanding to that time. To the contemporary eye, Aziz Mian’s esoteric poetry and singing style would represent a ‘liberal’ attitude in contrast to the ‘conservative’ views and styles of the Sabri Brothers. However, that would be to misunderstand the context.

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The sense of loss for Amjad Sabri was reflected in the fortnightly charts, which saw a surge of Amjad Sabri’s track, as mourning fans turned to his voice.

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Three of his songs come in the charts, with ‘Tajdar-e-Haram’ at 3, ‘Mere Khwaja Piya’ at 7 and ‘Ali Kay Saath Hai’ at 13.

Read the full article by Ahmer Naqvi here: Dawn – Amjad Sabri.

Gali Ke 10 Chaand

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Since 30 days of Ramazan are practically haram for us Musalmaan, as usual we’re ending it with 29 days of fasting. Which brings us to almost Eid: ever notice how when you step out on chand raat, aisay lagta hai puray shehr ko pehli dafa ghar se bahar nikalnay ki ijazat mili hai? No? Pay attention this time. Go and see what kinds of people there are out there. Better yet, let us tell you what kind of people you’ll find:

1. Boofer Wali Mehran:

Now this, we all know is a classic. Y-Block Defence, Liberty and Fortress are all crawling with mailay, chichoray tareen launday blasting tracks like ‘Jattni Punjabi’, ‘Desi Thumka’, etc. on full volume in their super cool, pimped out… Mehran. Yes, the ever popular should-be-Lahore’s-national-symbol Mehran. In ‘mehroon’.

2. Creepy Chooriyon Wala:

See that weird, middle-aged man giving out some serious creep vibes, who’s staring at you like you’re his first and last aftari? The one who beckons you over to say “baji, itni pyari kalayee hai, ayen zara chooriyaan pehna ke hath aur sajaon” complete with waggling eyebrows and dailay phaar ke staring (vomit inducing, I know). That guy. The one who wins all creep awards on chand raat, no competition.

3. Mehndi Wali Aunties/ Your Local Barber:

These two hard working, sweat dripping, manically juggling clients are your saviors (after the darzi of course). The heroes without the cape, the undecorated veterans of our society, the ones who pull all nighters year after year and give you beautiful hands and that shandar daarhi mooch; extremely vital for 1037894000 selfies.

4. “Hello Baby, Number To Do Na”:

Which girl (also some men) hasn’t been through this chera chaari; the sad failure of a wolf whistle, the ayeennn hayeennss and the maili harkatein? Pretty much everyone in Pakistan is familiar with this. On Eid, they’re like shaitan finally being released from the chains. They shall badger you, stalk you through endless kapray and mehndi/chooriyon ki dukaanein and still manage to keep track of you through the thousands of people out and about. Then throw something with their number scribbled on it. Lol, beta pls.

5. Eidi:

Oh, this. When did we go from getting eidi to giving it away to EVERYONE we see? The driver, the maid, the chaukidaar, the makayee wala, the gola/kulfi wala, your siblings, cousins, pets, sath walay ke bachay, no one let’s you get away without handing out eidi. Aur ab 100 rupay wala zamana bhi nahi raha.

6. Crush’s Eid Selfie:

Stalking your crush on Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat for selfies is as much an Eid tradition as sheer khorma or meethi sawwaiyan.

7. Darzi Feels:

“Wo baji… aap ke Eid ke kapray nahi ban sakay taym pe…” *cue murder song*

8. Nasha Nasha Sa:

You know how they show in Ramazan ads how people stopped at a traffic light suddenly start taking out food and sharing it with everyone? Yeah, seen that happen with cigarettes and alcohol – no joke. Sharab ki bottlein, sootay shootay, you name it. Sharing is caring cause Eid spirit, yo.

9. Eid vs Animal Kingdom:

Step out any time in the last 2-3 rozay, or on chand raat and you’ll witness a pagal khana everywhere. Women screaming, men shouting, drivers ramming cars, children going manic. IT. IS. INSANE. Eid rush in our shops and on the roads is a danger zone + fatal threat. Stay home for your own good, kids.

10. Modey Te Bandook – Base:

This one is my favorite: people stopping their cars randomly on the road, blasting oonchay oonchay ganay aur naach naach ke pagal. Literally kahin bhi gari rok ke shuro ho jatay hain. Proper Eid celebration, desi launda style.